Do You Know Someone Grieving?

How to Support a Friend or Loved One Through Loss

This post is for people who have friends or family members going through a tough time with grief. I’ve come to understand that those around a person who is grieving might not know how to help, not because they don’t care, but because they might not fully get what the person needs. Even when people try to be there for someone who is grieving, they may not always know the best way to show their support, so rather than being comforting, they end up making the person feel worse.

In 2021, as things started to reopen after COVID, my sister began a new round of chemotherapy. She knew that hair loss would be a side effect; she and those who knew her well understood that her hair was a vital part of her identity. Her natural, soft, curly hair was a defining feature, despite not being mixed as her hairstyle suggested. One evening, she was holding my six-month-old daughter, who accidentally pulled off her braids. She was visibly upset, but my mum and I looked puzzled because she had been advised against braids during the treatment. She got up, started taking her hair out, and her face looked as if someone had died; she asked me to take her to the barber’s shop. I could not go in with her because of COVID, but when she came out, her eyes were filled with tears, and she ran into my arms, crying, asking me why, and kept saying “my hair”. I wondered why she took it so hard, because this was not her first rodeo; the hair would grow back. To me, her hair was the least of our worries; there was a bigger picture. I did not understand it, but I was there for her, I was present. We stood there in the parking lot, we cried together, I rubbed her head and told her I would buy her the most expensive wig we laid our hands on; I told her she looked just as beautiful even without hair, we ordered some chemo caps in car, I hugged her some more and we cried a little more before we decided to go home. When we got home, we got out of the car in pure silence. We walked into the house, and this was when I asked her what she wanted me to do for her, and she said nothing. She just needed a moment by herself. She went into the basement, and I just sat in the living room still wondering why her hair loss was that big a deal.

Now I understand. She was grieving the loss of her hair because it held significant value for her. I had no authority to diminish its importance by suggesting it wasn’t significant just because hair grows back. It wasn’t my place to assume that the moment wasn’t a big deal. All I needed to do was to stand by her, without belittling her feelings. This lesson applies to those who are supporting someone grieving or mourning a situation. It’s crucial to realize that you can’t dictate another person’s emotions. You won’t fully grasp the depth of pain they are going through in that moment. Therefore, please **DO NOT: **

1. Tell them to stop crying
2. Say its ok, things will get better
3. Say “I understand what you are going through”
4. It’s just “the situation”, it is replaceable
5. Compare the situation to yours or other people’s situation and how you/they handled it
6. Offer the help you are not sure you can follow through with
7. Minimize the loss —no matter how small you think it is.

No one could ever understand how the loss of my sister is affecting me, not even my mother or my brother, who are also grieving and mourning the loss. I can never understand the grief and mourning my mother and brother are also experiencing because they are feeling what they are feeling; all we do is be there for each other while also encouraging each other. I have learnt that grieving is a lifelong process. There would be good days, great days, bad days, and horrible days for someone grieving, so DO these instead:

1. Encourage them to cry- crying is good
2. Just be present and let them know you are there for them
3. Let them know that while you cannot understand their pain, you acknowledge it
4. Depending on who it is- just be quiet.  

Taking Care of Yourself, Too

Supporting someone in grief can be emotionally demanding. Make sure to care for your own well-being, and don’t hesitate to seek help if you need it. Sometimes, encouraging professional support for your loved one—or for yourself—can be a wise step.

Ultimately, you don’t have to have all the answers. Your willingness to be there, to listen, and to show you care can provide meaningful comfort during a difficult time. If you know someone who is grieving, reach out. Even small acts of kindness can help bridge the gap between loss and healing.

For us grieving, others may not fully grasp the depth of our pain or the heaviness of our loss. It can feel like nobody really understands what we’re going through. Despite this, life goes on, and nobody is obligated to offer us comfort or sympathy. We must find a way to keep living while also allowing ourselves to grieve. It’s a tough balance of moving forward with our lives while also giving space to our feelings of sadness and mourning. In this journey, we cherish the memories of the ones we’ve lost and slowly learn to heal and grow stronger. On this journey of LIVING and GRIEVING, remember you are not alone and no matter what the situation, it could be worse.

Please leave a comment, and if you have an idea of what you would like me to write about, let me know.