Pain and Guilt

The ache of regret and guilt intensifies whenever I reflect on my sister. The sharp pain of not being able to reach out to her, unable to savor the sound of her calling me “Hey Sissie,” “Hey Ghel,” or “Chileee,” pierces through me. The yearning to hear her voice echoes a profound sorrow, knowing I may never experience it again. I recognize that this anguish is not unique; it is common among those who have lost someone dear. I’ve attempted to deceive myself, picturing she’s simply away and will return, but this illusion crumbles. Even settling her phone bill in hopes of connecting again proved futile, as voicemails and recordings no longer eased my longing for conversation. The persistent ache remains, and I continue to wrestle with this raw pain.

The guilt I carry stems from my failure to visit her when I should have. I was battling COVID during the crucial time she was hospitalized. After recovering, I opted to prioritize work before planning to see her in Atlanta shortly. Our last conversation was on a Sunday, as she headed to the hospital, passing away that Wednesday. This self-blame has burdened me, making it challenging to grant myself peace. Even moments of joy are clouded by the belief that I am undeserving, plunging me back into sorrow. The weight of this guilt is unbearable and sometimes makes it difficult to go through my day. Just like many of you, the feeling of woulda, shoulda, and coulda when a loved one passes away is very normal, but you are not alone. I am with you and many other people like you and me. Please know that there is nothing wrong with these feelings, but we still have to move on for our sanity and health.

While acknowledging and processing our emotions is crucial, navigating toward healing and progression is equally vital. Acknowledge your right to seek solace and moments of happiness, placing a focus on your own well-being. Amidst grief, it’s essential not to lose sight of living. Let the cherished memories of those we’ve lost illuminate our paths. Embrace the sentiment of “live your dope life,” essentially advocating for living to the fullest, and I emphasize, without any remorse. Have you expressed your love to your dear ones today? Reach out, affirming their significance, mindful that tomorrow is never guaranteed. Remember that you are loved, you are not alone, and someone out here knows and understands your pain. “While grieving don’t forget to live your dopest life”