Staying away from the place of WHY………….

I recently wrote a blog post about getting out of the place of Why, because that was the resolution I came to. As I stated in that post, asking why does not help the reason we are grieving; instead, it deepens our self-pity, and blah blah blah……….. go read the previous post.

Anyway, I made this trip to California with my husband; he came to do a seminar for work, and I just tagged along. We visited Beverly Hills, and I did my “Pretty Woman” walk on Rodeo Dr; we drove around Beverly Hills and went to see the Hollywood sign. I was checking off my bucket list anyway. We returned to the hotel pretty late, and I went straight to bed. The following day, he went to his seminar. I stayed back to do some work, and it was all good until I needed a break from looking at my computer screen. I looked out the window, reminiscing on the previous day’s drive to all the places, and then I remembered how my sister and I talked about doing that “pretty woman” walk down Rodeo Dr; this was when I suddenly felt this deep pain of guilt. I also remembered my conversation with my oldest daughter and my mum about her struggle with opening up. The person she always told her problems to was my sister, and now that my sister is gone, it is a struggle to get her to tell us when something is bothering her. I also remember how I cried and felt so bad that her best friend, my best friend, was snatched away from us. Oh boy!! I was confused and felt like my emotions were about to contradict my previous post; not good, I thought.

I stood in front of the window for several minutes, staring at the sunset of Los Angeles, crying, and slowly sliding back into the place of WHY. I remembered James Clear’s Atomic Habits, where he said, “The biggest threat to Success is boredom and not failure.” He said you have to fall in love with being bored of doing the same thing over and over again to be successful. This was when I took a deep breath and realized getting out of the place of WHY is easy, but how do you stay out.

I stopped crying, decided to stop the self-pity feeling, and reaffirmed that I wouldn’t dwell in the WHY. Instead, I concentrated on the support I provided for my daughter, offering coping strategies and highlighting the presence of other confidants like her grandmother and uncle. Reflecting on how my sister would commend my efforts, picturing her joyful smile at my “pretty woman” stride, I cherished the pride that came with not shying away. Those familiar with me recognize my tendency to shy away from joyous occasions due to self-pity—it felt good to defy that narrative.

If you find yourself sliding back into the place of WHY, I want you to know that it is ok to wander off (don’t stay there, snap out of it) because people cheat here and there while on a diet but remember that the long-term weight loss outshines that temporary satisfaction of eating the wrong foods. Let us apply this same logic: stay out of the place of WHY, focus on the bigger picture, enjoy the moment, live your life because you only have one, and remember that you are not alone. Remember my story and that I am living with this pain, too. I don’t know what your grief is, but I want us to celebrate little wins like James Clear said in his book and remember you are doing great, and nothing changes the fact that we are GRIEVING and LIVING.